Parenting is one of the most rewarding experiences. At the same time parenting can also be one of the greatest challenges too. Often parents struggle in figuring out how to set boundaries and rules for their children.This article provides you with some basic skills to get you started in setting rules and expectations for your children.
Here are some of our guidelines for what to do and what not to do.
What to NOT Say or Do (Ineffective verbal messages or actions):
“It’s time to take a bath, ok?”
“Would you just try to be nice once in a while?”
“It would be nice to see your homework done a little earlier.”
Allowing children to walk away from a mess.
Cleaning up children’s messes for them.
Dressing children when they can dress themselves.
Ignoring misbehavior in the hope it will go away.
Ignoring misbehavior when you’re in a good mood.
What to DO (Firm Limits: When No Really Means No)
Keep your words and actions consistent.
Send clear signals about rules and expectations.
Keep the focus of your message on behavior
(Goal is to reject unacceptable behavior, not the child.)
Example: “Stop teasing your brother” rather than “You’re such a pest!”
Be direct, clear and specific
Example: “Be home by 6:00 for supper” rather than “Don’t stay out too late.”
Use a normal, matter-of-fact, voice as much as possible
A raised voice conveys loss of control; highly entertaining.
Tell Your Child the Consequences of Not Obeying
Natural consequences: “Video game off with no arguing when time is up; or you lose your time tomorrow.”
‘You’re not arguing, are you?”
“You choose to _argue, you choose to lose ____”
Whatever carries weight currently; technology, sleepovers, Verizon, etc.
These are privileges to be earned.
Follow through on your words with action
If a child does decide to test, calmly follow through and take the toy/privilege away.
“We’ll try again tomorrow.
I know you can do it!”
Children trained with these signals understand what parents mean. They learn to take their parents’ words seriously and cooperate when asked. The result is better communication, less testing, and less fighting and conflict.
With the recent school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut both adults and children are aware and thinking about violence at schools. We have heard many parents say they don’t want to send their child to school and kids are worried about it too.
When significant acts of violence occur, it is important to be aware that some children may react strongly to these types of events. For parents, teachers and therapists it is important to be able to talk to children about their thoughts and feelings.
Here are some tips and guidelines to help be prepared to talk to children about school violence:
Be honest. Give children information they can understand in their own level. Help them to understand that while bad things happen to children sometimes, most children will not get harmed while at school.
Limit exposure your child has to violent video games, movie, TV, computer and books. Research shows the violent information has a cumulative effect in children. Also do not describe scenarios that may further frighten your child.
Monitor what information your child is getting or already has about the recent events. If they are hearing rumors or have wrong information, help them to understand the facts.
Be there for your child. Listen to what they have to say. Reassure your child is safe and that you and their school is working hard to keep them safe.
Work to manage your own fear and anxiety. Avoid letting your child take on your worries.
Give your child information on how to maintain safety through their actions. Provide them with information on how their school works to keep them safe.
Try to maintain normal activities and routines.
When difficult situations such as these occur, it can be hard to manage our own worries and those of our children. It is important to remember that school shootings and other acts of violence are very rare.
Many parents ask “how can I make sure my children are confident and successful?”. At the core of a confident person is the belief that “I am able”, “I can do this” or “I am good”. One of the keys to raising confident children is to help children to develop a sense of self-efficacy.
In simple terms, you build self-efficacy through accomplishing things and doing things on your own. To help build this, never do for a child what they can do for themselves. Never is a strong word but if you err closer to never than always you are teaching your child that they can do for themselves, they are capable and they can figure their own problems out.
Children are always making decisions that shape their personality. Decisions become beliefs. Children are making decisions about:
Who they are (good or bad, capable or not capable)
What the world is like (safe or threatening)
What they need to do to survive or to thrive (based on decisions above)
My challenge to you: Try to draw out children’s own sense of resourcefulness. Encourage them to take risks and try things on their own so they can build up a reserve of confidence from all of their successes!
If you have concerns about your child’s self esteem play therapy with a trained professional can help you and your child learn to foster positive self esteem.
Where did we get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Apply this to yourself – if I make you feel bad, then you will do better. Is this really when we tend to do better? From my experience these conditions lead people to rebel, give up, argue, etc…
Children do better when they feel better. Just like with all people, children can only access their rational brain when they are feeling positive. And so comes the idea of positive discipline.
To use the ideas of positive discipline you need to work to bring the message of love first. Often children need to have a sense of belonging and significance before they can learn what we want them to learn. If we can get clear on our intent of teaching our child lessons out of love instead of anger, they will be much more inclined to hear us.
Why is it so hard to do this? Because we all have buttons and triggers and our kids now how to push them!! We often know better but we don’t do better. When our buttons are pushed we go into the reptilian brain.
The reptilian brain is where our emotions take over and we can no longer access the more logical parts of our brains. When you feel your reptilian brain kicking in take a timeout, reconnect with your positive emotion and go back to your child in a positive frame of mind. In this act, we teach our children a lesson in and of itself.
My challenge to you: When disciplining your children, practice coming from a place of love and caring.
You might be wondering – what does that have to do with counseling?! I would argue it is at the core of psychotherapy.
Seeds can be a recommendation, a challenging question or something we notice within another person. Sometimes seeds take root and grow right away and sometimes they stay dormant for years before getting what they need to grow. Be patient and remember to be open to outcome, not attached to outcome – you can plant the seed but you can’t force it to grow.
If you are a parent, you may at times think your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say. I recommend you to keep talking anyway because when you least expect it your kids will start to catch your bits of wisdom.
If you notice someone struggling in life, offer him or her a kind act or caring words. Sometimes the kindness of one person can change the life of another. It’s worth a few minutes of going out of your way.