Accepting criticism from others can be a very difficult thing. Here are some tips for how to make criticism productive because we are bound to make mistakes. The key to our mistakes is to be able to learn from them and find a way to become better in the future.

1. Accept that you are not perfect. If you begin each task thinking that nothing will go wrong, you’re fooling yourself. You will make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them.

2. Double-check your work. After you’ve finished, and before you submit it to your supervisor, be sure you’ve gone over everything carefully. This can help you to avoid silly mistakes and ensure that your boss won’t have to bother you about minor problems.

3. Don’t take it personally. If your co-worker has criticism for you, remind yourself that it doesn’t necessarily mean s/he doesn’t like you, or that you’re not good enough for the job. Your co-worker is simply trying to ensure that you do the best work possible.

4. Listen carefully. If you ignore critical comments, you’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Take notes and continually remind yourself how to fix the problem. This step is the most difficult, as it can mean that one must “suck up” one’s pride and admit one’s responsibility in one’s work-related errors.

5. Ask yourself what can you learn from this criticism. If you feel yourself growing defensive or getting angry, repeat the question ‘What can I learn?’

6. Agree with part of the criticism. When faced with criticism, most people focus on the part of the negative feedback that may not be true and ignore the rest. This doesn’t solve any problems, and you don’t learn anything. When you agree with one part of the criticism, you become open to learning. You don’t have to agree with everything; even agreeing with one small aspect of the criticism will create an atmosphere of teamwork. The focus then can become how you’ll work together to solve a problem, which will lessen your feeling of being attacked.

7. Analyze and evaluate what you’ve heard. You need time to process the information, determine if it’s a valid criticism and decide what you’ll do to solve the problem or correct the mistake. If this is a complaint you’ve heard repeatedly, you should think about what you can learn from the situation so it doesn’t happen again.

8. Don’t hold a grudge. Staying angry/upset about criticism can affect your future work. Put the mistakes out of your mind and focus on doing the best job possible on the next task.

9. Clear the air. If you’re upset with how your co-worker criticized you, let him or her know as soon as possible, so there are no lingering bad feelings between the two of you. Explain why it upset you, and suggest changes that could be made to strengthen your relationship.

10. Accept the fact that others may see something that you don’t. Even if you don’t agree with the criticism, others may be seeing something that you are not even aware of. If they say that you are negative or overbearing, and you don’t feel that you are, well; maybe you are and you just don’t see it. Allow for the fact that others may be right, and use that possibility to look within your self.

11. Be happy whatever the criticism and do not let the criticism bring you down. It may be that the co-worker has problems at home and is just venting his anger off you as an outlet. Be glad you have at least helped him or her.

Adapted from a handout, source unknown.

One of the hardest obstacles in life at times can be in knowing when to let go. Often we have ideas about how things should be or how we want things to be. The trick is in knowing when it’s time to let those wants and beliefs about how things could or should be go.

So, how do you know when to let go? I find that you need to release yourself from those wants when consistently your needs aren’t being met or that hanging on to whatever it may be causes you more unhappiness and pain than vice versa.

Think about the big thing in your life that you are struggling to decide – should I stay or should I go? Yeah, yeah, the song comes to mind for me too! But really, what is it? A job, a relationship, a friendship, an old goal that no longer fuels your passion?

The struggle I often see is setting your expectations for what you want out of whatever it is you struggle to decide to hold on to or to let go of, yet not sticking to those basic needs and desires. Do you need more meaning in your work? Has your relationship become a greater source of unhappiness than happiness? Do you have a friend who has become more of an energy drain than a source of support? Do you have a roommate or spouse who is more of a burden than someone you want to invest time and energy into?

Life seems to sometimes boil down to weighing out the pros and cons. What are the pros or sticking with it versus not? What are the cons of sticking with it versus letting go?

In the end, no one else can decide your right or wrong. No one else can say let it go or stick with it and give it your all.

I encourage you to take the time to weigh out your list of positive versus negative for both options. Often you already know the answer, however sometimes it’s easier to stay complacent. And at the same time, it is your responsibility to get your needs met. If you are in a situation that ultimately is more of a burden than a source of light, often it is time to let go.

Hold your wants lightly. When you practice that, you too become lighter and more able to actualize your best self.

Don’t believe everything you think.

We all have thousands of thoughts each and every day. We can even have several different thoughts within a minute. With this being said we have tendencies to cast things in a certain light depending upon our experiences that have shaped our beliefs about the world, other people and ourselves. We all have tendencies to either view things in a positive way or in a negative one.

I commonly see people saying things like “Life is too hard”, “I am not good at anything”, “I am weak”, “No one really loves me”. For thoughts like these we need to look for the evidence that these things are not in fact true.

Here are some examples of these negative thoughts and ways to shift to a positive perspective:

• “Life is too hard”
  • Shift to: “Life is hard sometimes and I always find a way to make things work” or “In the end things do seem to work out for me okay”
  • Life is hard sometimes and you are still here to acknowledge that which says you can make through hard things.
• “I am not good at anything”
  • Shift to: “I am a good [cook, friend, wife/husband, writer, artist]”
  • Challenge yourself to focus on the things you are good at. Each and every one of us has some gift or talent.
• “I am weak”
  • Shift to: “I am strong enough to ask for help” or “My strength was shown when I made through…”
  • It is human to have moments of weakness and those moments it helps to think back on other times your strength shined through.
• “No one really love me”
  • Shift to: “My ________ tells me they love me”, “_______ showed me love by being kind to me”, “I love ____ about myself”
  • While there may be times that others can’t show their love to us, most of us can find examples of someone who has been kind, caring or loving towards us. When we really start to pay attention, love is all around us shown by people helping each other and small gestures of kindness in every day life.

Some things are all about perspective. I encourage you to challenge your negative thoughts and those that aren’t serving you. When you find you are consistently saying negative messages to yourself, try looking for the evidence for the opposites of those that increase your feelings of unhappiness.

An unchallenged mind is an unhealthy one. Only you can start to pay attention to your thoughts and work to find new, healthier, happier and more affirming messages to tell yourself.

Begin to work on this by each day writing down one negative thing you said about yourself, others or the world around you. Then write down the opposite of that thought and try to find a few pieces of evidence that it may be true. If you do this practice every day you will begin to stop believing everything you think.

For professional help learning to challenge your thoughts and beliefs, visit www.colllabortivemn.com

Validate those around you.

What is validation?

Validation is when you listen to what another person is saying to you and reflect it back to them that you understand how they are feeling. An important thing to remember is validating is NOT necessarily agreeing with the other person. It also doesn’t mean you like what the other person is saying, doing or believing. You are simply restating back to the person what you hear them saying.

Why should we validate others?

There are many benefits to validating people, including it:

• Shows you are listening
• Shows you care
• Shows you understand the other person’s point of view
• Is nonjudgmental
• Improves communication and openness
• Decreases conflict
• Establishes trust

How do I validate others?

Validation involves listening to what the person is saying, stating back what you hear them saying to you and then responding to the person’s needs at that time.

For example, when talking to someone nod and make small gestures to show you are listening (e.g. say mmhmm, I see, huh). Then restate what you hear the person saying (e.g. “That really hurt your feelings”, “You didn’t like that”, “That pisses you off!” or “You’re angry!”). Respond by asking what the person needs, they may want space or a hug or to just vent a bit more while you listen.

Be mindful and avoid judging what the other person is saying. Show tolerance for the other person by working to recognize that their reaction makes sense considering his/her life situation, experiences and history even if you do not necessarily agree with that person.

What does it mean to be invalidating?

We invalidate people’s feelings when we minimize or disregard their experience. Some common examples: “Oh, you’ll get over it”, “You don’t need those friends anyway”, “It’s not that big a deal” or “You should…”.

What are the negative impacts of being invalidating?

There are many negative outcomes from not validating others’, including it:

• Shows you aren’t listening
• Says you don’t care or believe the other person
• Shows you don’t understand the person
• Is judgmental
• Decreases openness and communication
• Increases conflict
• Decreases trust

The next time you are talking to your child, friend, lover, spouse or co-worker consider trying to just listen, reflect back what you hear and ask what the person needs in the moment. You may find it helps the person and also improves your relationship!!

Validation is a strong component of DBT, to learn more visit: DBT in Hudson, WI

Do antidepressants really work?

There has been a longstanding debate surrounding the use of antidepressant medications to treat depression. Recent research has come out that indicates antidepressants effectiveness may be the same as using a placebo medication.

Placebo medication is essentially a sugar pill many studies use to compare true medications to. The placebo or sugar pill’s effectiveness seems to lie in people’s belief that by taking a pill they become “better”.

It is important to remember that antidepressant pills have helped millions of people; therefore this study doesn’t mean you should stop taking your medication. It does however indicate that they are not necessarily the best first option for treating depression.

Psychotherapy and counseling have been proven as effective for treating moderate, severe and even very severe depression. For some patients the combination of psychotherapy with an initial course of antidepressants can work even better, however the question has now become – how do the drugs work? The question mark is due to the idea that possibly medication with therapy works best because people believe they will.

Many people are hesitant to go on medication and this research indicates psychotherapy as a strong alternative to antidepressants.

If you or someone you know may be depressed it is recommended to obtain medical and psychotherapeutic advice to determine the best approach to help yourself or your loved one in overcoming their depression.