Everyone has conflict in life. It is natural for us to have some conflict and arguments with others. Do you ever find yourself struggling to identify the root of a conflict?
Angeles Arrien, author of “The Four Fold Way” suggests 3 reasons for conflict:
- Not saying what we mean
- Not doing what we say
- Not saying what is so when it is so
Here are some ideas for each of the reasons for conflict above I recommend you consider when working to solve conflict you may be having.
Not saying what we mean
- Speak your truth! Get clear on your intention; ask yourself “what is my goal here?” Once you have that figured out work to speak your truth without blame or judgment.
Not doing what we say
- If you commit to something, honor those commitments or communicate changes that may occur. When you don’t follow through on what you say you do, you damage the relationship. Trust or lack thereof can cause immeasurable damage to any relationship. Be a person of your word.
Not saying what is so when it is so
- Don’t hold back truths out of fear. Get clear on your goal/intent and say what is so with love and care. When we communicate concerns or issues, we cast light on them and without light it can be hard to find the way out of any problem.
For more information on “The Four Fold Way” and ideas for how to apply the principles to your life, check out our Relationship and Personal Growth page.
Where did we get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Apply this to yourself – if I make you feel bad, then you will do better. Is this really when we tend to do better? From my experience these conditions lead people to rebel, give up, argue, etc…
Children do better when they feel better. Just like with all people, children can only access their rational brain when they are feeling positive. And so comes the idea of positive discipline.
To use the ideas of positive discipline you need to work to bring the message of love first. Often children need to have a sense of belonging and significance before they can learn what we want them to learn. If we can get clear on our intent of teaching our child lessons out of love instead of anger, they will be much more inclined to hear us.
Why is it so hard to do this? Because we all have buttons and triggers and our kids now how to push them!! We often know better but we don’t do better. When our buttons are pushed we go into the reptilian brain.
The reptilian brain is where our emotions take over and we can no longer access the more logical parts of our brains. When you feel your reptilian brain kicking in take a timeout, reconnect with your positive emotion and go back to your child in a positive frame of mind. In this act, we teach our children a lesson in and of itself.
My challenge to you: When disciplining your children, practice coming from a place of love and caring.
Learn more at: http://collaborativemn.com/family-therapy/
Some may find this a shock but I make mistakes. Seriously! Okay, well now that you are over the shock of it all, let’s talk about how to embrace your mistakes and love your imperfect self.
When you discover you have made a mistake, embrace it by acknowledging any consequences or damage done. Apologize if necessary and take ownership for your mistake. Then identify what you can learn from the situation and move on knowing you will do better next time!
See mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn. When we accept our mistakes, and ourselves we can learn and realize how our imperfections can help us grow.
If you have a family, make it a practice to create an environment of acceptance towards mistakes. For example, at dinnertime have everyone share a mistake and what he or she learned from it. When we model for our children that we can be imperfect, it gives them the space to feel positively about themselves in spite of the lessons learned through mistakes.
More than anything ~ have the courage to be imperfect, because we all are!
If you want to learn more about learning to embrace your mistakes visit: http://collaborativemn.com/individual-therapy/
You might be wondering – what does that have to do with counseling?! I would argue it is at the core of psychotherapy.
Seeds can be a recommendation, a challenging question or something we notice within another person. Sometimes seeds take root and grow right away and sometimes they stay dormant for years before getting what they need to grow. Be patient and remember to be open to outcome, not attached to outcome – you can plant the seed but you can’t force it to grow.
If you are a parent, you may at times think your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say. I recommend you to keep talking anyway because when you least expect it your kids will start to catch your bits of wisdom.
If you notice someone struggling in life, offer him or her a kind act or caring words. Sometimes the kindness of one person can change the life of another. It’s worth a few minutes of going out of your way.
My challenge to you: plant a seed everyday.
If you like what you see here check out our website at: www.collaborativemn.com